Crawling next to my little peacefully sleeping daughter cautious not to wake her up, I can’t seem to take my eyes off her little body huddled in an full size blanket. She kicks her baby blanket away so I’ve had to use an adult blanket for her. Maybe that’s a sign that she is growing up and growing up too fast.
Some nights, like tonight I’m unable to fall asleep knowing fully well that the morning will be busy with my little bundle of joy kicking and scratching my face to wake me up. I would not have gotten enough sleep and I’ll open one eye to see what’s up with her and see a big smile on her face as if saying, “Ma it’s morning, I’m up ! I’m hungry and I want my good morning kiss.”
And that would be it. I’ll wake up to her beautiful energizing smile promising myself that I’ll sleep when she sleeps again but that never happens, does it?
But coming back to why I’m unable to sleep tonight….
I just can’t take my eyes off her little body, little hands and that little fluff of hair on her little head and think to myself “oh man, how much I love her. It’s almost like I’ve never known love before. And then I think about me being a parent and her being a child and the relationship I have with my mom – it’s complicated and I’m it going to go into that detail. I know she loves me, she must. Not because I came out of her but because in many ways I am who I am because of her undying faith in my capabilities and encouragement when I was young. And then I started thinking on my own and had my own ideas (most of them clashed with hers).
And then one fine day, I fell in love. I was too young and naive to know what love is, or was I? I fought for my new found love, this was not a love that should have competed with the love I had for my parents or the love that they had for me. But I had to choose. And I chose to fight for my chosen one. I rebelled and just like that undying faith and encouragement vanished. In place of that, what I received was sarcasm and comments that stung.
Today, lying next to my own daughter I wonder what kind of a mother am I going to be? Is the way I love her going to change when she is going to challenge my ideas and belief? How many mistakes will I let her make? Where will I draw the line? How far away will I let her wander? And most important of all, who is going to decide how far is ‘far’, her or me?
And how is she going to react to disciplinary measures? Will she understand my point of view? Will I be able to explain why I’m doing what I’m doing or will I too leave it at “it’s for your own good”.
And most importantly, is my baby, this baby, this beautiful little happy soul that has blessed us by coming into our lives love me as much as I much as I love her, as much as ‘we’ love her?
Love is complicated isn’t it? Some believe it’s universal, some don’t. Some believe love can never be less or more, love just IS ! But we all have our own experiences with love. Tell me yours in the comments below.